When you read the title ‘Punishments’, what was your reaction? Uncomfortable, curious or simply nothing? Let me try to tell you who you are…
- If you felt uncomfortable, I guess that you are a kind person, who wishes to be your child’s friend (but you find it difficult to be one, on several occasions).
- If you felt curious, you love children, but you don’t have one who drives you nuts,
- If you felt simply nothing, you’ve had a difficult or rather violent childhood yourself, but you adore your child.
Now, let us cut off and move on to another era. Chanakya was an able administrator and eminent minister of Chandra Gupta Maurya, one of ancient India’s great rulers. He has presented the ‘State Craft’, the ‘RajaThandra‘ or the royal tactics of taming the enemy: “Saama, Dhaana, Bedha, Dhanda” ( as said in Sanskrit language ) are the four stages that he explains:
- Saama = Speak cordially to reach an amicable settlement.
- Dhaana = Shell out wealth and lure him to your own camp.
- Bedha = Arouse conflicts within the enemy’s camp in order to weaken him.
- Dhanda = Lastly, reach out to the weapons. And conquer him.
Well, today WE are using the Chanakyan logic not because we rule our homes, but because our own child becomes a challenge to us. We are living in a hurry, we panic when the child’s itinerary is not within our permissible limits and we wish to finish off the problem, as we can’t afford to prolong it. So we instantly apply ‘Saama, Dhaana. Bedha, Dhanda’ — initially we speak nicely, slowly confuse him so as to make him believe that he is wrong, then bribe him and at last, we use the final weapon: spanking. But alas, unlike the Kings, we don’t end up conquering: certainly we lose the love and trust of our child even if we get him to do what WE wish for.
Different forms of punishing the child are like the various ways of throwing a rubber ball on the wall before you. We get back in our own coin. Instead, if we strengthen our bond with him day after day, the child would himself be ready to handle such rough weather: He would be bold, assertive and forceful, but not rude. demanding and emotionally blackmailing.
The next time we are pushed to the verge of punishing, let us pause for a moment and realize that the punishment actually exposes our very own helplessness. If still the child is in no mood for discussions, we have two more options:
- Let him have his way and learn the lesson the hard way: GIVE HIM TIME.
- If he has to be certainly stopped from getting hurt or hurting others, a mild punishment has to be considered, of course!
Read this story to say ‘yes’:
Once upon a time, a snake lived in a tree hole. Everyday a sage sat under the tree and preached the importance of kindness to his disciples and later went away to the nearby river to bathe. The snake felt very bad for having killed many lives and one day decided to turn a new leaf. He then went out of his hole, looking for his prey. But when the sage returned from the river, he found the snake badly wounded and bleeding. “Look at my condition now!” he complained to the sage. “All this because I decided to be kind and stopped hurting others. The passers-by pelted stones at me, caned me and I escaped half dead. You are to be blamed for this”, accused the snake.
“I said that one should not hurt others. I never said that you should let yourself be killed. Pretend to hurt if the life has to be saved. Raise the hood ( and scaremonger) but don’t sting.” Saying this, the wise sage walked away.
When absolutely necessary, we may therefore pretend to be angry. Let us not forget to remember: We need to correct the problem, not just the child.