I remember that mischievous graffiti scribbled just outside our college classroom: “Trespassers are welcome!” Along with my friends, I had a hearty laugh and admired the naughty brain behind it. But now, with roles changed, responsibilities-laden and stressed with the fast pace of life, are we, adults prepared to laugh away unsolicited turns in our life - that too when it comes to reacting to our child and his ‘failures’?
Let’s be honest. This page is not doing the blame-game, instead plans to dwell on soul-searching. According to us, the child’s failure has a simple definition: That which does not meet OUR standard of expectation. It starts pretty early - may be just months after the child’s birth!
The good news is that this disease comes with symptoms, which WE demonstrate: It is called the curse of comparison. ‘My neighbor’s child appears much healthier’, ‘The little one of my cousin just doesn’t fuss to eat or to go to sleep’ are just a few to quote.
Unfortunately, this takes the unacceptable turn into depression as the child grows up and intensifies gradually only to have the most despicable outburst: The child gets insulted in public, humiliated in front of kids his age, even gets whacked instead of getting corrected. At times all this comes with a tag: “I knew you’d fail…” ‘Ah, if you knew it- much earlier, then what did YOU do about it?’ Dare the child strike back - no, just because he is a child: vulnerable and still immature.
So what do we do when emotions are highly charged, when the ‘heart’ is too heavy and when frustration takes over? It would be wise to follow a three-stop-quickie and then to go to the three-point-formula:
Three-step quickie:
- Gulp some water.
- Take 10 deep breaths.
- Go over to the 3-Quest-Formula.
Three-Questions-Formula:
- How did I fair at this circumstance at the child’s age?
- Where are the toppers/successful ones that the media once went gaga about, now?
- Did all great personalities/ Nobel laureates have glittering and outstanding childhood?
It takes only few seconds before the aura of wisdom circles around our own head.
And every time we fail to behave ourselves, we end up
- dismissing the child’s own rights,
- not letting him learn from mistakes,
- extending our own ego.
In our own personal lives, when ruptures crop up with the Boss or Spouse due to our own failures, we try to tell him/her that the ‘disappointment needn’t spell doom’, don’t we?
There is one thing that I don’t wish to share with you: It is about a friend of mine who would say this every time her child falters: “Koon kiska!” in hindi, meaning crudely, ‘I know whose blood is running in the child’. So to say, the child inherits the spouse’s or the in-law’s undesirable nature. This is the most condemnable trait of a parent that I said I don’t wish to share with you. But I find that I already have - in spite of myself!
Just reminding you: Diamond, we know, is just a piece of carbon. Its market value depends on the right choice and exact cutting that are worked on it. We need to do it for the child.
And not just discard that piece of carbon just because it appears black.
There is no wheat without chaff - we learnt this a long time ago, remember?